I was standing with a friend, talking about his children and offering him my two cents’ worth when a woman walks past and says: “Ask her to have her own children first, before talking.”
I was stunned. So was he. Then I felt sad. That woman has three children born with golden spoons in their mouths, and yet …
Yesterday, I was talking to another friend about her children and she was listening intently to the perspectives I was offering and before I left, she held my hands and said: “You will be a very good mother.”
I went away thinking: “Oyy! Don’t say such things! I’m not ready for motherhood!”
The difference between the two mothers was this: one was not willing to listen, the other was.
Some parents let the power over their children go to their heads. Sometimes the best advice on parenting comes from those who don’t have children. Reason being, we’re not involved.
We’re a disinterested party. We are not caught up in the web of push and pull and all that power play.
The best parents I have met are those who do not assume that they know everything and are not hung up over the whole “respect me because I am your mother” issue. The best parents are those who do not demand respect but quietly and gently illicit respect from their children because they have earned it.
The best parents I have ever met learn and continue to learn from their children and admit that their children are in fact the greatest teachers in their lives. They respect the fact that their children are not blind and can see right through them.
The best parents I have ever met are good listeners before they are good advisors. Sometimes all your child needs is for you to listen to them and ask them how they feel, and wait for the answer.
The best parents I have ever met never make their children fetch and carry. I mean, come on! Don’t ask your child to go get your handbag, go get your phone, go get the remote, go fetch this and that for you. What are you trying to teach your child when you do that? Asking for help is one thing but being lazy is another. And openly demonstrating laziness to your child really is not the most flattering of attributes.
Anger and violence – physical, emotional and verbal – should be obliterated. You are the parent. You are the adult. You are the one who is supposed to have self-control and discipline to not react with anger and violence towards your child, and call it “love” later on. That’s the most twisted ideology ever.
“Mummy slapped you because Mummy loves you.” “Mummy called you names because Mummy is scared of what may happen and Mummy loves you.” That’s a very dangerous game being played. You cannot even gauge the implications of how very dangerous this method of upbringing is.
What will happen then is this: your child will grow up associating violence with love. Only if someone abuses him will he feel loved. Because you have taught him over the years that your violence and aggression stem from love.
Shaming and taming is another very Asian method of upbringing which has disastrous long-term effects on a child’s self-esteem and confidence. It will take years of hard work to re-build this loss of self-worth.
For what reason would you shame your child in front of others? One lady at the LRT was yapping away like a dog with rabies about her overweight seven-year-old son. With her son beside her, she was talking to strangers, going on and on about how fat he is, how he never stops eating, how she has to spend so much money buying teenage clothing for him.
I seriously considered physically putting a stop to her tirade. Firstly, did she not realise how fat she herself was? To put her in the same situation, her husband would need to strike up a conversation with strangers about her weight issues in her presence. There the poor boy was, squirming with embarrassment in his seat, so young, so defenceless, being publicly humiliated with no one to rescue him.
Shame your child to tame your child and one day, you may not have your child.
So, the next time you want to say something about a child’s hair or skin or dressing in public, ask yourself: How would I feel if someone said that to me in public? If it builds you, say it. If it doesn’t, zip up your lips and swallow.
A good article that came into my inbox (from my wife). Some tips on how to treat our children is summarized below:
1. You can learn from your children, nothing wrong with that
2. Listen to them, ask about their problems
3. Don’t ask them to fetch things for you – they are not your servant
4. Control yourself – avoid from anger and violence (physical and verbal)
5. Don’t humiliate them in front of others – they have feelings too!!
source: email..credit to the writer (whoever that may be)
Tags: parent, parenting, teaching children, upbringing
